With A Heavy Heart

I truly believe this journey will change me forever. I have already learned to be more patient with things and to trust that things will work out if they are part of God's plan. I look forward to the day that I can witness my IP's meeting their child for the first time. That is what pushes me through the hard times.

About 10 days ago we had our first ultrasound. The doctor tried to reassure us, but my gestational sac was measuring small and they did not see a yolk sac. This should be visible around 7 weeks, and I was 6 weeks 4 days. So he told us it was early yet and sometimes the pregnancy just needs time.

They had us come back a week later. The ultrasound did not give us the images we were praying for. The gestational sac was too small and showed no signs of baby. I had to do a blood test to check my hCG levels to confirm what the doctor said. And it did.

I held my breath while the doctor was talking, hoping I was dreaming. I didn't want it to be true. I couldn't hold in my tears for very long though, as I wept for this little baby we would never get hold and cuddle. I have been blessed with healthy pregnancies before, and this was not in the plan. I was in a state of shock the rest of the day.

I knew that the transfer might not work, but I never considered a miscarriage. It was naive on my part I guess, but I have never had an issue before once I was pregnant. I know that it wasn't my fault or something I did, but my heart breaks as this family has to say goodbye to their baby. I did not want them to feel this pain, and I did not want to feel this pain.

I'm not going to lie, I was a wreck that day. I felt like a zombie just going through the day, watching it go by from a distance. I did not want to talk, especially about what happened. I needed some time to digest, reflect, and grieve. This was not my flesh and blood, but I was it's protector, support, and home for a few short weeks. I needed a moment to grieve.

It's been a couple of days now. My heart is still sad, but I can talk about it without breaking down. This is not the end of our journey though, we will try again. I am blessed with an amazing husband who looks out for me and comforts me to no end and IP's that support me and are always there when I need them. Together we will try again.