Another year has passed, and I am so grateful for 2014. It has been a year of great joy, great sadness, new friends and family, changing lifestyles, and learning new things. I have grown as a person more this year than I think I ever have in a year's time. Mostly because of this journey I am on as a surrogate, but also because my children are growing up so quickly and experiencing the joys of life and I have a husband that understands, appreciates, unconditionally loves, and supports me to no end. 2014 gave me the gift of my Intended Parents, and although we don't see each other that often, I know the bond we have created will be one that lasts a lifetime. We have experienced highs and lows already in this journey together, and it has made us stronger and ready for the next step.
So here is what has been happening the last couple of months...
October was a very intense month for me. I experienced a loss that so many share and also that so few share. My heart broke that Friday morning in the doctor's office as I listened to him tell the IM, Eric, and myself that the baby did not make it. Part of me went numb, I didn't feel like talking most of the day because all that would come out were sobs. I knew this could happen, but I didn't think it could happen to me. I was naive, but I wanted this so badly for my IP's that I was convinced it would work right away and nothing bad would happen. I was wrong, and it took me a couple of weeks to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
I knew from the moment we saw the ultrasound that this wouldn't keep me down though. I decided to be a surrogate for a reason, and although I was naive, there was never a doubt in my mind that we wouldn't try again. This couple is going to give a baby the best life and family, and raise it to be something amazing and I am going to bring it into this world.
We took some time to heal emotionally, mentally, and physically and by the end of November we were ready to go again. I started my hormones again, and decided to keep it on a quiet start. I was ready to try again, but I wasn't going in like I did before. I knew what was happening throughout and also what the outcome could be. I kept my head on my shoulders. I went through the ultrasounds again, not the most comfortable but got an unexpected "compliment" from the tech that I was very photogenic! haha Then came transfer day. I had my moment of "OMG! This is happening!" and then I was good. I was calm and collected the day of, and not the least bit nervous. I had been through this before, and I knew I had done everything I could to prepare.
I was grateful that we had the holidays to keep us busy as we waited for the day of the pregnancy test to arrive. Throughout the last week I had signs that I might be pregnant (crazy smelling abilities and good old fashion nausea) and against what I had decided from the beginning bought a home pregnancy test. I made up my mind that I just needed to know. Saturday morning I took the test and immediately wished I hadn't. It came back negative, but I convinced myself there was still hope because it WAS early and there was still a chance it could be positive. I didn't let it get to me too much and went on with my weekend. Monday finally came, and it was test day. I was relaxed and was hoping for the best, but prepared for the not so good news.
I could tell the nurse had a hard time telling me the news, the test was negative. The embryo did not take. Dang it! is all that went through my mind and I could come up with. Disappointment set in, and though there were a couple tears, I took a deep breath. I spent most of the afternoon on the phone after that. I spoke with the IM for a long time, trying to make sense of what happened (although we will never know) and what we are going to do next. I also spoke with Mary from the Surrogacy Center to let them know what happened. I cannot say enough how wonderful that agency is and how supportive and knowledgeable they are. I am blessed to have found them when I did.
So here we are present day. I'm sad the transfer did not work. I did everything I could, but it was not meant to be. This is going to happen, just not on my time table and hopefully someday I will learn that.
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