Ending 2014...with high hopes for 2015

Another year has passed, and I am so grateful for 2014. It has been a year of great joy, great sadness, new friends and family, changing lifestyles, and learning new things. I have grown as a person more this year than I think I ever have in a year's time. Mostly because of this journey I am on as a surrogate, but also because my children are growing up so quickly and experiencing the joys of life and I have a husband that understands, appreciates, unconditionally loves, and supports me to no end. 2014 gave me the gift of my Intended Parents, and although we don't see each other that often, I know the bond we have created will be one that lasts a lifetime. We have experienced highs and lows already in this journey together, and it has made us stronger and ready for the next step. 

So here is what has been happening the last couple of months...

October was a very intense month for me. I experienced a loss that so many share and also that so few share. My heart broke that Friday morning in the doctor's office as I listened to him tell the IM, Eric, and myself that the baby did not make it. Part of me went numb, I didn't feel like talking most of the day because all that would come out were sobs. I knew this could happen, but I didn't think it could happen to me. I was naive, but I wanted this so badly for my IP's that I was convinced it would work right away and nothing bad would happen. I was wrong, and it took me a couple of weeks to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

I knew from the moment we saw the ultrasound that this wouldn't keep me down though. I decided to be a surrogate for a reason, and although I was naive, there was never a doubt in my mind that we wouldn't try again. This couple is going to give a baby the best life and family, and raise it to be something amazing and I am going to bring it into this world.

We took some time to heal emotionally, mentally, and physically and by the end of November we were ready to go again. I started my hormones again, and decided to keep it on a quiet start. I was ready to try again, but I wasn't going in like I did before. I knew what was happening throughout and also what the outcome could be. I kept my head on my shoulders. I went through the ultrasounds again, not the most comfortable but got an unexpected "compliment" from the tech that I was very photogenic! haha Then came transfer day. I had my moment of "OMG! This is happening!" and then I was good. I was calm and collected the day of, and not the least bit nervous. I had been through this before, and I knew I had done everything I could to prepare.

I was grateful that we had the holidays to keep us busy as we waited for the day of the pregnancy test to arrive. Throughout the last week I had signs that I might be pregnant (crazy smelling abilities and good old fashion nausea) and against what I had decided from the beginning bought a home pregnancy test. I made up my mind that I just needed to know. Saturday morning I took the test and immediately wished I hadn't. It came back negative, but I convinced myself there was still hope because it WAS early and there was still a chance it could be positive. I didn't let it get to me too much and went on with my weekend. Monday finally came, and it was test day. I was relaxed and was hoping for the best, but prepared for the not so good news.

I could tell the nurse had a hard time telling me the news, the test was negative. The embryo did not take. Dang it! is all that went through my mind and I could come up with. Disappointment set in, and though there were a couple tears, I took a deep breath. I spent most of the afternoon on the phone after that. I spoke with the IM for a long time, trying to make sense of what happened (although we will never know) and what we are going to do next. I also spoke with Mary from the Surrogacy Center to let them know what happened. I cannot say enough how wonderful that agency is and how supportive and knowledgeable they are. I am blessed to have found them when I did.

So here we are present day. I'm sad the transfer did not work. I did everything I could, but it was not meant to be. This is going to happen, just not on my time table and hopefully someday I will learn that.

With A Heavy Heart

I truly believe this journey will change me forever. I have already learned to be more patient with things and to trust that things will work out if they are part of God's plan. I look forward to the day that I can witness my IP's meeting their child for the first time. That is what pushes me through the hard times.

About 10 days ago we had our first ultrasound. The doctor tried to reassure us, but my gestational sac was measuring small and they did not see a yolk sac. This should be visible around 7 weeks, and I was 6 weeks 4 days. So he told us it was early yet and sometimes the pregnancy just needs time.

They had us come back a week later. The ultrasound did not give us the images we were praying for. The gestational sac was too small and showed no signs of baby. I had to do a blood test to check my hCG levels to confirm what the doctor said. And it did.

I held my breath while the doctor was talking, hoping I was dreaming. I didn't want it to be true. I couldn't hold in my tears for very long though, as I wept for this little baby we would never get hold and cuddle. I have been blessed with healthy pregnancies before, and this was not in the plan. I was in a state of shock the rest of the day.

I knew that the transfer might not work, but I never considered a miscarriage. It was naive on my part I guess, but I have never had an issue before once I was pregnant. I know that it wasn't my fault or something I did, but my heart breaks as this family has to say goodbye to their baby. I did not want them to feel this pain, and I did not want to feel this pain.

I'm not going to lie, I was a wreck that day. I felt like a zombie just going through the day, watching it go by from a distance. I did not want to talk, especially about what happened. I needed some time to digest, reflect, and grieve. This was not my flesh and blood, but I was it's protector, support, and home for a few short weeks. I needed a moment to grieve.

It's been a couple of days now. My heart is still sad, but I can talk about it without breaking down. This is not the end of our journey though, we will try again. I am blessed with an amazing husband who looks out for me and comforts me to no end and IP's that support me and are always there when I need them. Together we will try again.

How do I put this....

My apologies for the delayed post....

The last Friday in August, Eric and I headed to Milwaukee to the fertility clinic. For most people it was a normal, everyday Friday. To us...the moment we had been waiting for. It was transfer day! The sun was shining, traffic wasn't bad, which meant we were super early, and my nerves were surprisingly calm. Definitely helped knowing the IM was going to be there too.

I really didn't know what to expect with this appointment, or how the procedure was going to go. A new experience all around for us. I was excited, but I wanted to stay focused so I could understand and remember what the nurse and doctor were telling me. Good thing to, there was a lot of information!

We had a long wait in the waiting room, because we were so early, but it was nice catching up with IM a little bit.  We were taken back to a procedure room and the nurse talked us through how everything would happen. It sounded simple but nothing is that simple right? Wrong.

This is how the next 5 minutes went...
The doctor came in, asked for our names and birthdays (can never be too careful). Then they used the ultrasound to look at how my lining was and where they would put the embryo. We got to see the embryo on a television screen while it was in the lab, and watched as they put it in the catheter. The doctor used a "test" catheter to make sure they were in the right spot, then they brought in the embryo. I didn't feel any of it, but I could feel my heart expand as I watched on the ultrasound screen when the embryo was placed. I almost cried, but I think part of that was the hormones.

We had to wait 10 days before we would find out if the transfer "took" or not. We kept busy with Kaylynn starting kindergarten and Brayden starting preschool (and finally being potty trained, proud mommy moment!) Monday morning could not come soon enough for the blood draw. Thankfully the lab was on top of the ball and got us results in 2 hours....

My HCG numbers needed to be at 100 or better and they were at 169! I was beyond over the moon and could not focus on anything else the rest of the day. I had to take another test 48 hours and my numbers went up to 429. This was excellent news and I felt great about everything. Nothing could bring me down at this point. That is until the morning sickness (that was actually at night) set in. Not fun, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

This is where I leave you for now. It has been a crazy few weeks, and there is so much more coming...

Just keep swimming!

As my husband drives us to the fertility clinic, I can't quite describe my feelings and mood.

I have been physically preparing for the embryo transfer for several months, with exercising more, eating better, and of course those lovely hormones, but mentally I have been ready for this for much longer. I had my moment of freak out yesterday, but today I am calm and ready. We won't find out anything for a couple days, but today is about a new beginning and creating something beautiful. I am going to take it all in, and stay positive throughout.

I am grateful for the long drive though. It gives me time with Eric, time to reflect, and time to really appreciate all of the support we have gotten so far. I don't think I could have started this without my support system.

I am no stranger to hearing someone say "I don't know how you can do that" or "I don't think I could do that." Both of these are honest reactions people have had when I've told them I'm going to be a surrogate, and honestly I laugh when I hear them. It does take a truly special person to be a surrogate, and I definitely think not everyone can do it. I've explained before why I am doing this and with all of the emotions and feelings leading this decision, I could not do it without my friends, coworkers, and family behind me.

Thank you to everyone single one of you that has sent me a text, an email, called, a Facebook message, a hug, and said good luck! You guys are amazing, and I truly appreciate knowing you're there.

Progress update

The excitement is still very much buzzing now that we are 2 weeks into hormones, but they are definitely calming me down as well. Which is probably a good thing for the people around me! I just wanted to give a little update for everyone...

Like I said we are 2 weeks in now and I am definitely feeling the side effects from the estrogen. I have been getting daily headaches, but they are not severe so I am grateful for that. I started with a small dose and have had to increase a couple times so I am aware of different side effects now. Besides the headaches I have been feeling like I do when I have low blood sugar, but this happens after I eat so I know it's the estrogen. It usually doesn't last long, so yet again I am grateful for that. The biggest thing is the calmness. It's hard to describe but I am just all around calmer. Not a bad thing, but very different than what I am use to.

Overall things are going really well and my ultrasounds are showing the estrogen is doing its job so we have the go ahead to continue with the progesterone.

We are coming up on our transfer day VERY quickly now and I ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is something that will forever be a part of our lives, and the kids, Eric, and I are so excited for it!

Stay tuned for the post that will forever change me...

Things are about to get CRAZY!

This week has been a blur for me. It started off like any other week, but as the days went on it got better and better! Anxiously waiting to hear from the fertility nurse this week, I thought the days would drag.

Monday I had a tooth pulled, which threw off my week from the start because I'm not use to not working all day on Mondays. All day Tuesday I thought it was Monday, oops! Then Wednesday came, and I knew it was going to be a great day because this was when I could finally connect with the nurse! I didn't know what to expect but I was ready for anything!

The conversation was short and sweet, which I'm kind of glad because I don't think I heard much after her telling me as soon as my next cycle starts...time to start hormones. WHAT?! Just that simple! She gave me a few other things to remember and then the line went dead.

It was impossible for me not to be excited about this. I told myself that I was going to take this on calmly and not get too overly excited, but who was I kidding?! There have been several moments throughout this journey that I got my hopes up only for there to be a bump waiting for me. Thankfully they have been minor bumps! Nevertheless, I am not letting them dampen my excitement.

Friday morning started like every other Friday. Wake up, get the kids up, eat breakfast, go to work...well it didn't stay that normal for long! I found out that I got to start hormones NOW! Pretty sure I did a happy dance at that moment, and a smile came on so quick that I haven't been able to wipe it off yet. My only wish was that I could see the faces of my IP's the moment their dreams started to become a reality. I was happy with an email though. :)

So here is what is actually happening...I do not have to use the menopause hormones (yay!) So now I am taking an estrogen hormone for a couple weeks. This is helping my body get prepare for the transfer and baby. I have a couple of ultrasounds schedule to make sure the hormones are working, and then I will add another hormone. Then at the end of this month will be our transfer!!!

I am taking all the precautions I can to make sure everything goes smoothly, and the main one is to take one step at a time. I am focusing on the positive in all aspects of my life, and trusting God with everything.

This has been a long time coming, and I thank all of my family and friends for their continued support and prayers! Keep it coming because it's getting good now!

Step 1, actually it's step 9 but who's counting?

Great news! I spoke with the nurse at the fertility clinic today. After weeks of waiting...we are starting hormone therapy next week!! I will have a couple ultrasounds in the next couple of weeks but we are hoping for a late August/early September transfer.

The next couple of weeks are going to be crazy, literally since I will be on hormones, but I am so excited and cannot wait to get started!

Stay tuned for more updates!!