With A Heavy Heart

I truly believe this journey will change me forever. I have already learned to be more patient with things and to trust that things will work out if they are part of God's plan. I look forward to the day that I can witness my IP's meeting their child for the first time. That is what pushes me through the hard times.

About 10 days ago we had our first ultrasound. The doctor tried to reassure us, but my gestational sac was measuring small and they did not see a yolk sac. This should be visible around 7 weeks, and I was 6 weeks 4 days. So he told us it was early yet and sometimes the pregnancy just needs time.

They had us come back a week later. The ultrasound did not give us the images we were praying for. The gestational sac was too small and showed no signs of baby. I had to do a blood test to check my hCG levels to confirm what the doctor said. And it did.

I held my breath while the doctor was talking, hoping I was dreaming. I didn't want it to be true. I couldn't hold in my tears for very long though, as I wept for this little baby we would never get hold and cuddle. I have been blessed with healthy pregnancies before, and this was not in the plan. I was in a state of shock the rest of the day.

I knew that the transfer might not work, but I never considered a miscarriage. It was naive on my part I guess, but I have never had an issue before once I was pregnant. I know that it wasn't my fault or something I did, but my heart breaks as this family has to say goodbye to their baby. I did not want them to feel this pain, and I did not want to feel this pain.

I'm not going to lie, I was a wreck that day. I felt like a zombie just going through the day, watching it go by from a distance. I did not want to talk, especially about what happened. I needed some time to digest, reflect, and grieve. This was not my flesh and blood, but I was it's protector, support, and home for a few short weeks. I needed a moment to grieve.

It's been a couple of days now. My heart is still sad, but I can talk about it without breaking down. This is not the end of our journey though, we will try again. I am blessed with an amazing husband who looks out for me and comforts me to no end and IP's that support me and are always there when I need them. Together we will try again.

How do I put this....

My apologies for the delayed post....

The last Friday in August, Eric and I headed to Milwaukee to the fertility clinic. For most people it was a normal, everyday Friday. To us...the moment we had been waiting for. It was transfer day! The sun was shining, traffic wasn't bad, which meant we were super early, and my nerves were surprisingly calm. Definitely helped knowing the IM was going to be there too.

I really didn't know what to expect with this appointment, or how the procedure was going to go. A new experience all around for us. I was excited, but I wanted to stay focused so I could understand and remember what the nurse and doctor were telling me. Good thing to, there was a lot of information!

We had a long wait in the waiting room, because we were so early, but it was nice catching up with IM a little bit.  We were taken back to a procedure room and the nurse talked us through how everything would happen. It sounded simple but nothing is that simple right? Wrong.

This is how the next 5 minutes went...
The doctor came in, asked for our names and birthdays (can never be too careful). Then they used the ultrasound to look at how my lining was and where they would put the embryo. We got to see the embryo on a television screen while it was in the lab, and watched as they put it in the catheter. The doctor used a "test" catheter to make sure they were in the right spot, then they brought in the embryo. I didn't feel any of it, but I could feel my heart expand as I watched on the ultrasound screen when the embryo was placed. I almost cried, but I think part of that was the hormones.

We had to wait 10 days before we would find out if the transfer "took" or not. We kept busy with Kaylynn starting kindergarten and Brayden starting preschool (and finally being potty trained, proud mommy moment!) Monday morning could not come soon enough for the blood draw. Thankfully the lab was on top of the ball and got us results in 2 hours....

My HCG numbers needed to be at 100 or better and they were at 169! I was beyond over the moon and could not focus on anything else the rest of the day. I had to take another test 48 hours and my numbers went up to 429. This was excellent news and I felt great about everything. Nothing could bring me down at this point. That is until the morning sickness (that was actually at night) set in. Not fun, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

This is where I leave you for now. It has been a crazy few weeks, and there is so much more coming...

Just keep swimming!

As my husband drives us to the fertility clinic, I can't quite describe my feelings and mood.

I have been physically preparing for the embryo transfer for several months, with exercising more, eating better, and of course those lovely hormones, but mentally I have been ready for this for much longer. I had my moment of freak out yesterday, but today I am calm and ready. We won't find out anything for a couple days, but today is about a new beginning and creating something beautiful. I am going to take it all in, and stay positive throughout.

I am grateful for the long drive though. It gives me time with Eric, time to reflect, and time to really appreciate all of the support we have gotten so far. I don't think I could have started this without my support system.

I am no stranger to hearing someone say "I don't know how you can do that" or "I don't think I could do that." Both of these are honest reactions people have had when I've told them I'm going to be a surrogate, and honestly I laugh when I hear them. It does take a truly special person to be a surrogate, and I definitely think not everyone can do it. I've explained before why I am doing this and with all of the emotions and feelings leading this decision, I could not do it without my friends, coworkers, and family behind me.

Thank you to everyone single one of you that has sent me a text, an email, called, a Facebook message, a hug, and said good luck! You guys are amazing, and I truly appreciate knowing you're there.

Progress update

The excitement is still very much buzzing now that we are 2 weeks into hormones, but they are definitely calming me down as well. Which is probably a good thing for the people around me! I just wanted to give a little update for everyone...

Like I said we are 2 weeks in now and I am definitely feeling the side effects from the estrogen. I have been getting daily headaches, but they are not severe so I am grateful for that. I started with a small dose and have had to increase a couple times so I am aware of different side effects now. Besides the headaches I have been feeling like I do when I have low blood sugar, but this happens after I eat so I know it's the estrogen. It usually doesn't last long, so yet again I am grateful for that. The biggest thing is the calmness. It's hard to describe but I am just all around calmer. Not a bad thing, but very different than what I am use to.

Overall things are going really well and my ultrasounds are showing the estrogen is doing its job so we have the go ahead to continue with the progesterone.

We are coming up on our transfer day VERY quickly now and I ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is something that will forever be a part of our lives, and the kids, Eric, and I are so excited for it!

Stay tuned for the post that will forever change me...

Things are about to get CRAZY!

This week has been a blur for me. It started off like any other week, but as the days went on it got better and better! Anxiously waiting to hear from the fertility nurse this week, I thought the days would drag.

Monday I had a tooth pulled, which threw off my week from the start because I'm not use to not working all day on Mondays. All day Tuesday I thought it was Monday, oops! Then Wednesday came, and I knew it was going to be a great day because this was when I could finally connect with the nurse! I didn't know what to expect but I was ready for anything!

The conversation was short and sweet, which I'm kind of glad because I don't think I heard much after her telling me as soon as my next cycle starts...time to start hormones. WHAT?! Just that simple! She gave me a few other things to remember and then the line went dead.

It was impossible for me not to be excited about this. I told myself that I was going to take this on calmly and not get too overly excited, but who was I kidding?! There have been several moments throughout this journey that I got my hopes up only for there to be a bump waiting for me. Thankfully they have been minor bumps! Nevertheless, I am not letting them dampen my excitement.

Friday morning started like every other Friday. Wake up, get the kids up, eat breakfast, go to work...well it didn't stay that normal for long! I found out that I got to start hormones NOW! Pretty sure I did a happy dance at that moment, and a smile came on so quick that I haven't been able to wipe it off yet. My only wish was that I could see the faces of my IP's the moment their dreams started to become a reality. I was happy with an email though. :)

So here is what is actually happening...I do not have to use the menopause hormones (yay!) So now I am taking an estrogen hormone for a couple weeks. This is helping my body get prepare for the transfer and baby. I have a couple of ultrasounds schedule to make sure the hormones are working, and then I will add another hormone. Then at the end of this month will be our transfer!!!

I am taking all the precautions I can to make sure everything goes smoothly, and the main one is to take one step at a time. I am focusing on the positive in all aspects of my life, and trusting God with everything.

This has been a long time coming, and I thank all of my family and friends for their continued support and prayers! Keep it coming because it's getting good now!

Step 1, actually it's step 9 but who's counting?

Great news! I spoke with the nurse at the fertility clinic today. After weeks of waiting...we are starting hormone therapy next week!! I will have a couple ultrasounds in the next couple of weeks but we are hoping for a late August/early September transfer.

The next couple of weeks are going to be crazy, literally since I will be on hormones, but I am so excited and cannot wait to get started!

Stay tuned for more updates!!

Medical clearance complete

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been so long!

We have been not so patiently waiting for my medical clearance from the fertility clinic. I would be flat out lying to say I wasn't really frustrated through this process. There were lots of things that didn't go smoothly, but thankfully plenty that did. It is just that though, part of the process, so I am glad it is done with and we are moving forward. But here is the skinny on what has happened since my last post.

So after I met with the fertility specialist in May, I had my ultrasound in Madison. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but still a little uncomfortable. I will spare you the details on that one! Nevertheless, everything looked good with it and I just had some blood work and a simple office visit with my PCP (primary care physician) to go for my clearance. That is where the waiting got to me, but like I said, all part of the process! So after about 5 weeks I think, I received the best news...I am cleared!!! Talk about a weight lifted off my shoulders! I wasn't worried that I wouldn't be, it was just taking FOREVER.

I could not wait to tell my IM and IF! It was a great day. So now that we finally got through that step, we are working on the parenting agreement. We have already discussed what is in it so nothing was a surprise. Once everyone has signed off on that we get ready for hormone therapy. I am very happy that I do NOT have to do daily injections!

I have had many conversations with my IM and the Surrogacy Center so far through this, and I am so grateful I not only have my husband and family as support, but my IP's and the Surrogacy Center as well. They have been reassuring, patient, and understanding through everything so far, and I get a little more excited as we closer and closer to transfer day!

That's all I have for now! Thanks for reading! It should be getting more exciting through each post now!

Fertility 101

**Caution** This post is going to have medical terms and details that may be graphic for some readers, okay just the males...

May 16th has come and gone now, but man it was a good day! Eric and I drove to Milwaukee with excitement running through our veins and eagerness to have more information. Okay so that was probably more me than Eric, but I think he was still excited. I didn't know what to expect when we pulled up to the facility, but it had beautiful curb appeal. We headed up to the second floor, and I found myself kind of nervous, it was a different kind of nervous though. Trying to find the right words to describe my nerves is not easy, but I always come back to my IP's. I know their story, I've seen the love they have for each other, the excitement in their eyes with the thought of a new baby in their arms, and my heart melts a little. My nerves start to take over because it's no longer just Eric and I. When I started to consider this journey it was something we were doing together, 100% together, and now that we have our IP's it is no longer the two of us. The four of us are a team, and so what I go through they do and vise verse. So walking into the doctors office I felt nervous for the four us. This is a big step, but I know I have the support system of my family and friends, and the support of my IP's.  

Okay so here's how the appointment went:
I got blood work done to check for an array of things including thyroid, OB panel, STD's, and vaccinations...10 VIALS later...I was light-headed but doing well. Thank goodness I don't have issues with needles or bad veins! Then we met with one of the nurses that works with the doctor and "third party reproduction" to go through some of the process while we waited for the doc. She went through her experiences and background, and what the next couple of months are going to look like. Then she gave me the best news yet! I won't have to do daily injections for the hormone therapy for several weeks!! Talk about relief!! Like I said before, needles do not bother me, but the thought of having an injection done daily in the same spot for several weeks on my hip area makes me cringe. I could practically see and feel the bruise and knot that was going to take over my hip area! I was prepared to do it, even had informed some co-workers that I might have them "stick me" for a few weeks, but I am thankful it's not going to be the case. 

So the doc comes in and I wasn't sure what to expect. What are fertility specialists like? Was he going to be all business, no personality? Is he easy to talk to and understand? I have questions about EVERYTHING but no idea how to form them into a question, oh boy was I on overload the moment I sat in that chair! I hate feeling like I don't know anything or not knowing what is going to happen. (Can you tell I don't like surprises?) He sits down at his desk and says..."So what do you know about this process?" Was he reading my mind?! I said, well I've tried to do some research and know a little bit about the hormone therapy and what it can entail, but I know that each doctor does things different so I've tried not to set my mind on one thing. Luckily he understood my need for information because I left there with 2 pamphlets about the hormone medications and how the transfer will work. I was a happy girl. 

Anyways, here is what we discussed and where we are at now (guys you might not want to read this because I know the reaction my brother had when I said the word uterus in front of him and it's going to be more detailed than that...) First we talked about the ultrasound I have to get done, I was wrong before it's a hysterosonogram. This is an ultrasound of my uteran cavity to check for polyps, fibroids, unknown deformities, and anything else that might be in there. I have no reason to believe anything is wrong, but we have to know for sure. The tricky part with this is that is has to be done on a certain day of my cycle, day 7-12 to be exact. So the plan is to have that done in Madison, just a little closer for me. After the results come back from all my blood work and the ultrasound, we will sign the parenting agreement, more on that at another time, and then we start the fun stuff. Once everything is signed and set I will start hormone therapy. Step number one is to "trick" my body into thinking it's going through menopause...watch out hubby! I will have to do daily injections into my stomach with Lupron for a couple of weeks. (Totally cool with that) The reason we have to do this is to "quiet" my ovaries and thin out the lining of my uterus. Once I have been on that for a couple weeks we will do another ultrasound to make sure it's working. If everything looks good, then I start Estrogen on day 1 of my cycle. This is going to "fluff" my lining so it is ready to accept the embryo. After a few days of that I have another ultrasound to make sure the Estrogen is working correctly. If everything looks good we are set to continue! And you guessed it, more hormones! Okay so my poor hubby is probably going to be ready to go crazy, but thankfully it will be nice out he can go fishing, play softball, or something and steer clear of the mood swings I am going to have. Anyways, I will then start progesterone. This is the hormone that will help my body think it's pregnant and support the embryo once it's transferred. 

I know that was A LOT information but the exciting part is that, even though we don't have a set date for a transfer right now, we have a timeline to go off of! Once my next cycle starts I have an ultrasound, then once the second cycle comes I start Lupron, then comes the Estrogen  and progesterone on cycle number 3 AND on day 22 of the 3rd cycle we are looking at TRANSFER DAY! Wow, that whole previous paragraph in one sentence. Just in a very small nutshell ;) Sorry I have a thing for detail when I write.

The doctor was so nice, easy going, and very informative. No wonder my IP's spoke so highly of him. I left my appointment feeling informed and maybe a little light-headed still. The nerves had long since fallen away, and for once in my life I am eagerly awaiting my next cycle, or as we call it in my house "shark week" ;)

Until next time...

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and moms-to-be out there! I hope you all have a day of lots of love, appreciation, and of course pampering! I am a fan of Mother's Day, but I also feel like it has become a hallmark holiday like Valentine's Day... I don't think we should thank our moms just one day, just like I don't think we should say I love you and do something special on just Valentine's Day. Moms are one of the hardest working people on the planet, the other hardest working people would be dads, and they deserve to be loved, thanked, hugged, given the priceless gifts (I'm talking about those hand print pictures or homemade cards) all the time! 

My hope is that by this time next year I will be sending a beautiful Mother's Day card to my IM for her first day with their little baby! Sending them lots of hugs and warm wishes. It's crazy to think that is actually a possibility at this point, and my goosebumps have goosebumps just thinking about it! We have a long way to go right now, but we are taking it one step at a time.

My last post I expressed my frustration, and thankfully my frustration is at a minimum right now. I talked with the Surrogacy Center about everything that has been happening, and they were so reassuring and helpful. The misunderstanding has been resolved, and I had a most informative email from my IM, since she knows quite a bit about the fertility part of this. I had to laugh when I read her email, because it was sent hours before I posted last but I hadn't read it until the next day and it was exactly what I needed to read at that moment. In my heart I know this match was meant to be!

Friday is the first of many big days to come, and I cannot wait to learn more! Everyday that passes is one day closer to a miracle baby, and that makes my heart smile...

So Happy Mother's Day everyone, and a VERY special Mother-to-be Day to my IM!!!

Update!

Hey everyone! Sorry it has been so long since I last posted...here's the update though

I have my first appointment with the fertility clinic in Milwaukee next Friday, May 16th! I am so excited for this, and I cannot wait to take this next step! A lot of information is going to come out of this appointment, along with some blood work and a physical. 

It has been a little difficult communicating with the clinic these last couple of weeks, and today was no different. We have been playing phone tag, more like voice mail tag for a couple of weeks, and it is making me a little cranky to be honest. I know every medical facility is run differently, but since I work in one I feel I know how they work a little bit. I have a new found understanding for those patients that continuously get put to voice mail. All of this is new to me, and to have to explain a question you have without really knowing what is happening to a machine is hard. Then to have a nurse return your call with a misunderstanding of what you asked, and well frankly, be rude about it. It's just frustrating. (Okay sorry, rant over...let's get back to the positive) 

Anyways, I am thrilled to be moving forward. I have been doing some reading about other surrogates and their journeys, and I cannot wait to get to the fun stuff! Anxiously waiting to find out if the transfer took the first time, hearing the pure joy in the IP's voice when I get to tell them we're pregnant, sharing endless phone calls and emails and texts with the IM about how everything is going, feeling the baby move for the first time...it finally is starting to sink in this IS happening!

I know this is going to change my family, but only for the better. To do something so miraculous for another family (who we are only just getting to know) is going to bring us great joy and love that few people get to experience. It is going to teach my children how to be selfless, caring, humble, thoughtful, strong and courageous, among many other things. Our world needs more people with those traits.

I am going to end this post with a request...take a moment to thank God for all of your blessings, big and small. We forget so easily to be thankful for what we have, and take for granted so many things and people in our lives. This week has been a huge reminder of how precious life can be, and why it is so worth the fight! 

Hurry up and wait

So as you know our meeting was a success, and now we are waiting to hear from the fertility clinic in Milwaukee. They have already seen my medical records, so that will help speed up the process a little. I  am not sure what our first appointment will entitle yet, or how many visits we will have to make. All I know is they will be doing an ultrasound, possibly a hysterosalpingogram(HSG) and of course blood work. A HSG is where they take an X-Ray and look at my uterus and fallopian tubes using a dye. Not sure if that is what they will do, but I know it's a possibility. Until we are contacted though...we have to wait and see.

So until that happens not much is going, but I would like to continue posting on here, so I have decided to post some entries about different topics or different things I have encountered so far on this surrogacy journey. I have truly enjoyed writing on here, and love to see that so many are reading it! If you have any questions, or just want to know more about a certain part of this journey please just ask or comment!

Until next time!

Match Meeting

One of the reasons we chose to work with the Surrogacy Center is because of how they run their agency. They have been in business for almost 10 years and have had close to, if not more than, 100 babies born! It was founded by 3 family and child lawyers in Wisconsin that wanted to make a difference. The women that work there are amazing in so many ways! They are a smaller agency, but I kind of like that. They are there to help, protect, guide, inform, and support both sides of the surrogacy journey. I am so grateful for each of them.

Once we found out we had been accepted into the agency the excitement and nerves really went into overdrive! I kept telling myself to take it one day at a time, who knows when we would be matched. Little did I know it would only be a few short weeks later! The process for getting matched is simple and yet very involved. Each agency is different, but the Surrogacy Center only gives the IPs (Intended Parents) one surrogate's information. This way surrogates are not "competing" against one another, and it makes it easier on the IPs. The center goes through the applications, the psych evals, the personalities, and lifestyles to figure out who would be a good match for one another. When we had our first meeting with them, they said they had about a 90% rate of having the IPs match with the first surrogate they read about. Not bad odds, right? 

It was Friday the 13th, and it was definitely not bad luck! I was at work and got a random phone call from the Surrogacy Center. I called them back to find I was on a conference call with all 3 of them! My heart started to race and my thoughts started to go in a million different directions. I have never talked with all 3 of them at once before so I knew something was happening. They began to tell me about a couple that they thought would be a good match for us. They could not tell me a ton of information, but enough to give me goose bumps. At this point they asked if they could send my portfolio to them, and the words came out of my mouth faster than my brain realized it was happening...YES, YES, YES! Gracious! Is this really happening?! (Quick side note: my portfolio consist of my application, insurance info, pictures of myself and my family,and a letter I wrote to them)

After I brought myself back down to earth, they continued to tell me that they usually give the IPs about 10 to 14 days to look over the information and decide. At this point they say yes, we would like to meet them, or no, we don't think it's a good fit. Talk about the longest 2 weeks of my life! Thankfully we heard from the center in 5 days, and the good news kept coming. The couple had reviewed our portfolio and wanted to continue forward. So now it was our turn, we received their portfolio and had to decide if it was a good fit for us... Now one thing I was nervous about was just "taking" the first IPs, I wanted to make sure it was the RIGHT one. We really didn't go back and forth with the decision, but I definitely did a lot of praying about it. After a couple of days, we too decided we wanted to continue forward with this couple.

So after what seemed like forever, which was actually several weeks, here comes our actually match meeting! At this meeting we would get to know each other a little more, go over some details, and really find out if in fact we wanted to continue with them. Our meeting took place on April 2nd, and it was the longest trip to Madison I had ever taken! My stomach was in complete knots, but I was so thankful to have Eric by my side keeping me calm. We arrived at the center and I had to laugh because one of the first things they say to me is, "they are just as nervous as you are, but within 30 minutes everyone will be relaxed." 

Sure enough it happened! Our meeting got underway, and it was like we had been friends for a long time! We shared how we got to this point, why we were there, and of course Eric's first reaction. Then the IPs shared with us their story. (Sorry, but I will not be sharing on my blog about them or their story out of respect for their privacy) We discussed what the next step in this journey would be, what to expect medically, how much the IPs would be involved, what to expect once the baby or babies are born, and everything in between. Our meeting lasted about 2 hours, and then we decided to have lunch with just the 4 of us. After another 2 hours, tons of laughs, heart felt and sincere conversations, and a mutual feeling of something great it was time to say our goodbyes, for now, and head home.

With all of my excitement and nerves, I never thought twice about why or how I was going to do this. Now that I have met this couple, heard their story, learned about their families, and created a bond with them...I have never been so sure of something, other than saying yes to Eric, in my life. I get goose bumps every time I think of my IPs, my heart starts to swell when I think of them holding their child for the first time, and I am so excited that I get to be a part of that.

Decisions and Evaluations

Gestational surrogacy is when an embryo is "transferred" into me, meaning it is not my DNA at all, using IVF (InVitro Fertilization) where an egg cell is already fertilized by the sperm cell. I will be using a frozen embryo, but there is also a process for fresh embryos. Now with IVF multiples are more common, and part of that is because you can "transfer" more than 1 embryo at a time. As I go through this process I will be able to share a little more, but I wanted to explain this a little before I got into the meat and potatoes of this post...

So I left my last post off at our first meeting with the Surrogacy Center, which was in September of 2013. Not too much happened after that, but at the same time it was a very pivotal point for me. At our meeting we discussed selective reduction and abortion, which is not a light subject to say the least. There are so many opinions on this subject, and I am not going to argue with anyone about it. It is a very personal choice, and my choice is just that, mine. I will tell you right now I am not for it, and I hope that you respect me enough to respect my opinion, as I do yours. It is not something I take lightly at all, and I know it can be argued both ways. So with this decision came a point in the road where I really needed to consider what I was going to do. Let me break this down so you can understand where I was in my head...

I needed to go through all of the scenarios, because I wanted to be prepared, not surprised or stuck with a very difficult decision. Like I said, multiples are more common with IVF, so this is where selective reduction comes into the picture. Selective reduction is aborting 1 or more of the fetuses in a multifetal pregnancy. In my head I went through the thought of twins...I can handle that...triplets? quads?...now my heart is beating a little faster. I personally have seen the risks with triplets, and it terrifies me but I know the love that their parents and family have for them, too. Then there is the abortion side of a singleton. As I said before, not for it, but what if there is something wrong? On top of these decisions...this is not MY child. I am carrying someone else's child, their life is in my hands. (Side note: In the state of Wisconsin the surrogate has all the legal rights to the child until it is born) 

So with all of these things going through my head, at once mind you, I talked with the Surrogacy Center about what to do next. I wanted to take some time to really think about what I wanted and what I would be okay with. As I talked with one of the ladies, something stuck with me. She said that I needed to be able to be comfortable with the choice I make, but I also need to understand that I am responsible for someone else's baby or babies. Intended parents want to be able to have a choice in their child's health, and so to be matched the Surrogacy Center would have to find a couple with the same views. 

After I e-mailed with the Surrogacy Center a couple of times I decided I needed to take a few weeks before we took the next step. This was a huge bump in the road that had not crossed my mind before our meeting. I had to put myself in the IP's(Intended Parent) shoes. What if Eric and I were the IP's and our surrogate said, "No I won't carry multiples or a baby that has Down's"? How would that make me feel? Would I want to work with someone like that? So I took some time, really thought and prayed about what I should do. I was learning about myself, and figuring out what selfless truly is...and after all was said and done..I knew if I was going to do this, it would have to be with people that have the same values and ethics as I do. However, I had also decided that I needed to be more open with what the IP's are going through. Talk about a heavy load on my mind, but it felt great to really work through it and know I was making the right choice. So that was a really heavy topic, and probably the heaviest we have gone through thus far. I said I was going to write about the good, the bad, and ugly though...

Now we are into November. I was glad it was time to take another step closer, but I had no idea what to expect! It was time for the psychiatric evaluation...oh boy! Eric and I had to go to Madison to meet with a psychiatrist that would interview both of us and give us a personality assessment inventory. It was 350 questions, and it took awhile to say the least. She asked us about our childhoods, our families, our marriage, our jobs, and why we were there and how we felt about everything. We also talked about the whole abortion and selective reduction decision, which made me feel even better about it, and how to talk with our children about this journey. She encouraged us to be open with those around us about our journey, and why it was important to do so. Think about it...I am 9 months pregnant, going through my life like normal and then I have the baby. Neighbors, co-workers, friends, and families have watched my body change and definitely grow, and then there is no baby? Can you imagine the rumors?! No thanks! So needless to say it was a very long, but VERY informative meeting, mainly for us. It made us think about certain situations that will come up, and how to handle them. As they come up I will share, but it's hard to put it all in right now. 

I felt good leaving that meeting, but now we had to wait. Wait to hear if we "passed" the inventory assessment, and wait to hear if we are officially excepted into the Surrogacy Center's program. I was just thankful we had the holidays to keep us distracted because we ended up not hearing until after the new year, but it was great news all around! We got the official word in the middle of January that we were available to be matched with IP's!! 

From the beginning...

I'm not really sure the exact time or even day that my life changed. I know it was in May of 2013, but at that moment it was just simply a thought and not reality. At first it was a small seed, a thought that I never would have imagined would grow to be my bean stalk in a sense. An innocent conversation that started with one of my hair clients...and now is one of the biggest realities I am going to face in my life. I am going to be a surrogate! 

So this blog is all about my life, and how it's "changing" everyday. I want this to be a place where I can put down my thoughts about my journey, tell you how it's going, but most importantly, I want this to be a place where you learn about me, my journey, and maybe something about yourself, too. So...here it goes! 

Like I said earlier, this started with an innocent conversation with one of my previous clients. Her mother had been a surrogate when she was younger. She told me about the daily injections she had to do, the mood swings, and how she didn't understand why SHE had to be the one to do it. Honestly, it started off a very negative conversation, but as I think back now I'm kind of glad it did. It wasn't all lollipops and kisses, it was truth and that's what I needed. She went on to say that after the baby was born and she started to understand why. She started to understand the sacrifice her mom made, and how selfless she was. Don't you just love a happy ending?! So this conversation stuck with me, more than my normal conversations with my clients did. I just couldn't shake it, so I decided to take to the internet. I am the type that researches until I feel like I can competently and truthfully explain something. So fast forward 4 weeks, and I am ready to talk with my husband about this...finally. After hours , and I mean HOURS of researching and deliberating and researching some more I knew I needed to let Eric, my husband know what I was up to.

I can still remember where we were sitting, the tone in my voice, and the look of shock in Eric's eyes. Talk about being blindsided! First reaction...NO! Second reaction...Umm are you serious?! NO! You are not carrying some guys baby! Take a moment to think what your first reaction would be if your spouse came to you tomorrow and said "hey, I was thinking about becoming a surrogate or I think you should be a surrogate." Yep, that's what I thought. Knowing my husband, I dropped it. He needed time to let it sink in, and do his own research. Thankfully we were getting ready to take a 16 hour trip with no kids. As you can imagine, lots of pros and cons lists were made during this trip. If we were going to pursue this seriously, we were going to look at all the angles. And we did. It was on this trip that we decided, this was worth looking into even more.

After we got home from our mini vacation, I talked with 2 different agencies. One out of Minneapolis, and one in Madison. After a couple weeks of deciding, we started to fill out our application for the The Surrogacy Center in Madison. The application itself was pretty lengthy, but of course it was because well frankly this is not a light situation. I spent many hours writing, thinking, soul searching, and writing some more on my application. My application is what tells my story, what I'm about, and why I am doing this. I would be lying if I said I wasn't emotionally, physically, and mentally drained in some sorts the day I sent my paperwork in the mail. 

Fast forward another few weeks...time to actually go talk with the lovely ladies that represent The Surrogacy Center. WOW! Talk about a nerve-racking car ride. I had no idea what to expect, even with all that research. My brain was on overdrive, but thankfully I had Eric with me, holding my hand, telling me to breathe. We walked into this building that was very professional and welcoming at the same time. Kind of refreshing. We met with two ladies that knew the ins and outs of the journey. The whole meeting was kind of blur for me. I remember bits and pieces, but only certain things stick out. One question in particular...WHY? Why do I want to do this? Why DO I want this?! That was the million dollar question...

Well I am going to end this post with my answer.  I think every surrogates answer is a little different, but in the end kind of the same. I still struggle to put this answer into words. To give a couple a child they couldn't otherwise have will be one of the greatest things I will ever do! I know the love I have for my own children, and to help a couple have that love is indescribable. It's not going to be all lollipops and kisses, but it will most definitely be worth it! 

This is just the beginning of my journey...and I hope you stop back again to learn more about it. I am bursting with information about this, and I LOVE talking about it. As you can see I am an open book, and will pretty much answer any questions, within reason of course. As I continue this blog, I hope that I can answer a lot of your questions, and also bring some light to the not so common surrogacy journey. So stay tuned for my next entry...